I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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