I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
