I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
