Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sponge bath it is.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
