Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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