he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
