I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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