the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
