I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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