Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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