NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
