I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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