My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
