I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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