i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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