I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He passed out mid-signature
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
