i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
