Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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