I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
