took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
