Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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