He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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