I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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