i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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