Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
