We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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