So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize