he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
