I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
