Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
