We're facebook friends in real life
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
