Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
there is glitter all over my balls
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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