On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
