The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
