Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
