If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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