I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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