It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
