I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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