Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
