Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
