What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
