new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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