He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
