dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
