i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
