This is not my ceiling
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
