so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
