Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
