Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
