Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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