I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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