It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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