If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
