Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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