I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
