I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
