so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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