In the future we'll all be gay
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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