I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize