I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
