I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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