and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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